To: ALL EMPLOYEES
Effective July 2008 =
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you
do not need a pay raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be
After your second offense, your picture will be
posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders"
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a glass of Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an
employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.